Thoughts on Singleness. Part 1

When I was 19 I became aware of what I feel is a huge problem in our Western Christian Church culture. I saw it, I talked about it, but it didn't really affect me personally. Every now and then it would come up but I was able to dismiss it quickly and tell myself that I was above being affected by it. I told myself that I was too secure in my identity to be influenced by it. I continually brushed it off and moved on, not taking time to sincerely look inside my own heart and see if the seeds were planted, and therefor have the ability to dig them out.

In the past few weeks I have begun to realize that the seeds were planted and I am now seeing the fruits of those seeds. I have been greatly affected by this and have begun to accept it as truth even though I have known from the beginning that is a lie.

What is the problem of which I speak? What is this pervasive lie being fed and perpetuated to young Christian women in our church culture over and over again?

It is the lie that, as a woman, your worth greatly depends on men. Now, it is rarely ever presented in such a blunt manner but that is the underlying statement that comes across.

After I graduated high school I moved from my hometown in Montana to Washington. I would go back to visit at least once a year. The first few times I was back at my home church, the conversations I had were almost identical. They went something like this: "Melissa! It's so good to see you! How are you doing in Washington?" "I'm doing well." "That's wonderful! Are you seeing anyone?" "No." "Are you going to college?" "No." "Oh, well, what are you doing?"

Now, many of these people had good intentions and were legitimately concerned with my well being. They were people who had watched me grow up. They meant nothing beyond the question but there was a deeper belief they were conveying every time they asked this question and in their response to my answer.

The first few times I engaged in this dialog, I thought nothing of it. After the fourth or fifth time, however, I began to realize something. The underlying attitude I began to pick on and the message it was communicating to me was, "There must be something wrong with you. There must be something we are not seeing but guys are." I began to question the validity of this pervasive message.

A few years later I moved back and began dating a guy. I dated this guy for a year and eventually broke things off after finding out he had been cheating on me. Our relationship was dysfunctional from beginning to end. It was incredibly unhealthy and I should have ended it far before I did.

Why didn't I? Because, without realizing it, I had begun to believe the lies. I believed that if I didn't find someone soon and "settle down" it would never happen. I believed that being in a dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship was preferable to being single. 

I also had very low self-esteem and was sure that I could not do any better. I thought that this was it. I had found someone who was willing, on the surface, to "put up with me" and that was the most I thought I could every expect. In my insecurity I believed that I did not deserve more than this. 

After ending this relationship, God sent me on an incredible path of healing and restoration. Throughout the next few years I was perfectly placed in environments and around people who helped me to see the lies I believed about myself and realize the truth of who I am in Christ. I received so much healing and restoration. I began to realize the value that lies within me simply because I am human and I am His.