Further to Go

In my last post I wrote about how I had been feeling after my surgeries and hospital stay last month. I wish I could say that things are better, that I have turned a corner and now things are looking much better. This, however, is not the case.

I am still in very much the same place emotionally but now I feel I have a better understanding as to why I am experiencing the emotions that I am.

The day I wrote the previous post, I went to a Monday night Bible study I've been attending for a few weeks now. They were playing a worship set from Bethel Church in Redding California and a song came on that had playing in my head for weeks.

The song is call Oceans (Where Feet May Fail). If you've never heard it, I suggest you look it up. It is an incredible song. The bridge is my favorite part of the song both lyrically and musically. It says:  Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders/ Let me walk upon the waters/ Wherever you would call me/ Lead me deeper than my feet could ever wander/ And my faith will be made stronger/ In the presence of my savior. 

That night, as the song was playing and I was sitting there crying out to God with tears in my eyes, He spoke. This is the first thing I had heard Him speak to me since leaving the hospital.

I heard Him speak to my broken heart and He said, "Melissa, when you sang that as a prayer to me, I heard you. I am even now answering that prayer."  I sat there stunned. This was not at all what I was expecting when I told Him that I needed Him to speak to me.

I was expecting soothing, comforting words. Words that would cause things to make sense and would bring peace and healing. These words, spoken to my innermost being, were not that. They did not bring peace. Some clarity and understanding? Yes. Comfort and peace? No.

In some ways, they did cause things to make sense. Just not in the way I wanted. I realized in that moment that all of this, the surgeries, the hospital stay, the confusion, the fear, the depression and loneliness, was all a part of God's plan to take me deeper. All a part of His plan to transform me more and more into His likeness.

And that is what I want, more than anything else. But I never wanted it like this! When I prayed that song, I was not expecting the answer to look like this. I know that much of our transformation comes through pain and trials. The Bible is very clear that this is to be expected. But when is it enough?

In the weeks since, I have been struggling with God. I have prayed, but I have not listened. I have not asked Him to speak and then waited in silence because I'm not sure that I want to hear what He may have to say.


My prayers to Him have been very much alike. Over and over, in the midst of this I have said, "If this is what it takes to do with me what You want, I'm not sure if I want it anymore. I'm not sure I can handle this. It's too much! I can't take the loneliness and the depression! I don't want this anymore!"

I am so glad that God knows our hearts and doesn't take our emotions at face value! Ultimately, when it comes down to it. I do want Him to do whatever He has to in me so that He can do whatever He wants to through me. I do. I just wish it could be different.

I was talking to a friend of mine last week and told him that right now, I wish God had not created me with big dreams and desires. It would be so much easier in this moment if I could just walk away from it all and choose to live a "normal" life. At this point, I wish I could be content working a 9to5 job and living in suburbia with a husband and kids for the rest of my life. But I would never be okay with that.

God created me to crave adventure. He created me to dream big dreams that many people would tell me are impossible. He created me to never be content with normal life.

I can't walk away from this. I still don't know how much more I am willing to handle, how much longer I can live with the loneliness and the depression that has come upon in me recent weeks. But I know that I must. At all costs, I must walk through this knowing that amazing things are waiting on the other side.

Saturday I was at a conference and we had some time to simply sit and ask God to show us some things. I was sitting there, not really expecting much of anything, but He did show me His heart for me in this moment. What I saw was this: I was standing on a beach and Jesus was standing next to me holding my hand. He turned to me and said, "Are you ready?" I nodded my head yes and we began walking into the water. We kept walking as the cold waves beat against us and began crashing over my head. Then the scene changed. I was walking up a steep mountain path in the forest. I was barefoot and my feet were bleeding. I kept stumbling and had to grab on to roots and trees to continue my way up. I did not see Jesus anywhere but I heard Him speak to me. He said, "There is still further to go. You will feel alone, but know that I go behind and before and there are things you cannot yet see."

So in this moment, here and now, I say yes. Yes, I will allow God to do whatever it takes. Yes, I will continue walking this path. Things are not yet getting easier but I know that they will. Someday....... they will. For now, I rest in the knowledge that I serve a God who desperately loves me and works all things for my good. A God who goes behind and before preparing the way for me. A God who is faithful even when we don't see it or feel it.

My emotions lie and though I am surrounded in them, I choose not to believe them. I choose the difficult path.

I choose to go further up and further in...... no matter the cost.