As I proceeded on this journey of restoration, healing and discovery, I was completely content in my single status. I had no need, nor any desire to be in a romantic relationship. I had friendships with people of both sexes that fulfilled my need for community and connection. I was learning so much about myself and about God and a romantic relationship was the furthest thing from my mind.
I moved around A LOT in that time period, spending no longer than 9 months to a year in one place. Even if I had felt a desire to be in a romantic relationship, my lifestyle all but excluded the possibility of that happening.
And, I will be quite honest, after my last relationship I was downright terrified of becoming that emotionally intimate with another person again. I avoided emotionally intimacy at all costs. Even with girls whom I considered to be close friends. Emotionally intimacy was not a safe place for me, so I thought. It opened me up to more hurt and pain and I did not want to take that risk.
On my 27th birthday I decided I would take some time out of my day to spend with Jesus and ask Him what He had to say about the next year of my life. I asked Him to tell me what the theme of the year was and He wanted to speak to me and teach me in that year. His response was a bit unexpected and, in some ways, unwanted. He told me that the next year of my life was to be about cultivating intimacy. Intimacy with Him and with other people.
A few months later I moved once again, this time leaving Madison, WI and going back "home" to Montana. God brought some incredible people into my life and began to build a community of wonderful, loving friends around me. He brought some people in for the specific purpose of growing me in the area of intimacy with others. It was incredibly difficult for me and I struggled and fought it more than I would like to admit, but I continued to press on and learn how to live in intimacy with others in a very real and healthy way.
In the past two years I have developed some the strongest, most fulfilling friendships I have every had the joy of experiencing. In the midst of this, however, something else began to grow in my heart.
I moved back just in time for wedding season. In the first three months I was back in town, I attended four weddings. Three of them were the weddings of people significantly younger than myself. They were kids I had babysat when I was teenager and had taught in Sunday school classes at church. They were kids! I was struggling, but did what I do best. I repressed. I refused to fully acknowledge or process the thoughts and feelings this was bringing up in my heart.
As the months went by, I did a pretty good job of convincing myself that I was not struggling in this area. I avoided, deflected and glossed over. I was content in my singleness, I told myself. I do not need to be in a relationship to be a whole and happy and fulfilled person! I had Jesus and I had amazing friends who loved and cared about me.
Everything was going well until about eight months ago. I was six months away from turning 29 and emotions began to slowly re-emerge without my consent, as they often do. I began to find myself in situations with guys that I was not used to dealing with. I had guys showing interest in me. This was not normal for me! Many of them were not guys I was also interested in and I had to walk through a few uncomfortable situations.
And then, suddenly, for the first time in four years, a guy came along that I was interested in. We began to build a friendship and I allowed myself to be emotionally vulnerable. I thought it was moving towards something more than friendship, but discovered a few months later this was not the case. I was not devastated, I did not cry or rant. I was frustrated, but that is life. It happens. We remained good friends, and I went on with life as usual.
Until it began to happen again with yet another guy! I had just turned 29 and the reality of singleness was ever in the back of mind. This is when I began to realize just how much I had bought into the lies of my worth.
I started asking, "What is wrong with me? Why don't these guys have any interest in me? What do I need to change about myself? What am doing wrong and how do I fix it?" Instead of assuming that they were simply not interested in me for perfectly benign reasons (seriously, just because you are not interested in someone does not mean there is anything wrong with them, I know this!), I assumed they were not interested because I WAS FLAWED. I was not good enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment