As Vulnerable as Possible

These past weeks have been quite interesting for me. In addition to everything God has been speaking to me through our speakers in class, He's also been speaking a lot to me that doesn't really have much to do with I'm learning in class.

It all started with Peter Xu. In my last post I wrote about the shadow of the cross. In there, I said that I wasn't sure yet what my cross looked like. In the weeks since I wrote that, I've been learning a lot more about what that looks like for me right now.

When I was doing some research on the process and history of crucifixion for my previous post (yes, I did research on it, I wasn't just making stuff up off the top of my head!) I came across something that didn't really stand out to me at the time, but came to my mind the next day. And the day after that. And the day after that.



One historian said that when a person was crucified, they were completely naked. Unlike the nice little p.c. images we see all around, Jesus, and every other person hung on a cross, would not have been wearing a loin cloth. He would not have been wearing anything. The article said, "While a crucifixion was an execution, it was also a humiliation, by making the condemned as vulnerable as possible."  It goes on to talk about how they were completely naked and would have defecated and urinated on themselves in full view of any onlooker.


It was in that statement that I received some clarity, and also conviction, as to what my cross is. It was when it said, "making the condemned as vulnerable as possible" that I heard God speaking to me and telling me what I needed to do. He began asking me to become vulnerable.


Now, before I go much further into this, I'm going to give what the school of biblical studies people call BRI or Basic Required Information. Just some things to know about me to give you context for all of this.


I have lived the past 20 years of my life in a constant state of false vulnerability. I, like so many others who have had the distinct privilege of growing up in the church (yes, there is some sarcasm there, but I don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for the fact that I was raised in a God-fearing family!), have learned how to perfect the art of false vulnerability. I discovered very early on that most people in the church really don't want to know how you're doing, or what you're struggling with. We are expected to put on our happy Christian faces, say hello, give a hug, and go home.  


So few people in society really care about you are deep down. So, to further protect myself, I taught myself how to make people think I was being very honest and vulnerable when really I was only showing them what I wanted them to see. I was only showing them the things that would portray the image I wanted them to have of me. And I most certainly did not let anyone in. In my experience, letting people in was not a good thing. When you let someone in, when you let someone really know, they had power of you. They could leave you, they could hurt you, they could use the things they knew about you against you. The only person I was gong to allow to have any power over me was God and myself, or so I thought. 


I thought that by living my life in this way, I would have the power. I would decide when to leave, I would decide how much of myself to share, I would decide who to give pieces of my heart to. How wrong was. Over the years I have learned that in living this way, rather than keep all the power over myself, I have instead given it over to everyone. I have become terrified of what people think of me. I have become so concerned with how others view me and trying to make sure that they don't know too much about me, that I have become a slave to this. I have become a slave to what everyone else thinks about me.


And this where we find me now. Sitting in Hawaii, realizing how incredibly powerless I am, how irreparable (on my own) broken I am. How devastatingly alone I have chosen to be (without really even meaning to). When I was thinking about the cross in those terms, when I thought about as being the most vulnerable (in a literal, physical sense) a person could be, I began to see something else happening. God was showing me that He wanted me to become completely vulnerable (in the metaphorical, emotional sense).  He is asking me to begin opening myself up. He is asking me to begin showing people all of me. Everything. The good and the horrifyingly ugly.  


It's funny though, as I sit here I realize that this is not something God is just now speaking to me. It's something He's been trying to tell me for three years now. Three years ago I did a series of paintings that depicted my heart. I had the horrible realization one day and it birthed something in me. I had recently broken up with my boyfriend because I had discovered that he had been cheating on me for some time. I was devastated. I could feel my heart trying to break open but it terrified. One night I was praying and I heard God asking me to let go and allow my heart to break open. I told him I didn't want to. I realized that I was so scared to allow my heart to break because I was terrified of what might come out. I was so scared that if my heart broke open, all the ugliness that I see in myself would spill out all over the place. As I was confessing this to myself and to God I clearly heard Him speak to me (not in an audible voice, mind you, but it was clear. HE was speaking to my heart and I knew it was Him). He said, "Melyssa, if you let your heart break open, what will come spilling out will not be the dark, ugly slime. Instead, you will find that when you finally let go and allow your heart to break, it will be My light that will come streaming out of the broken places. I am in you. My light resides in you and that is what will pour forth." 


You would think that this would have been transformational for me, that I would have gotten it. But I didn't. Not really.  Then, a year ago, I was at a 24 hour worship even in Missoula MT. I ended up praying with three young guys in the foyer of the church at two in the morning. It was amazing. The presence of God was so strong there and He was speaking to all of us. After we got done praying, one of the guys looked at me with a puzzled expression on his face and said, "While we praying, God gave me a vision of you but I don't know what it means." I told him to go ahead and tell me the vision and maybe I would know what it meant. Well, I figured out what most of it meant but it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I figured out the rest.


In his vision he saw me as a tree. He said that I was this huge, beautiful tree but I wasn't made out of wood, I was made out of bronze and everywhere that normally would be shadow, was actually shining gold. He also said that the roots of this tree were just unfurling and growing out, spreading further and further. I understood the roots part, and I understood the tree. There are many passages of scripture talking about us as trees. But I didn't get the bronze and gold thing. It didn't make any sense to me whatsoever. Until I got here. 


I had started to guess at what it might mean and then it was confirmed to me through a wonderful girl whom I have grown to love, but had just met. I ended up telling her about this vision and she said that the gold being where would normally be darker, shadowed places, represented that God was going to use all of the things from my life that I have thought were dark and shameful, to bring His light. Those dark places will no longer be darkness, but rather brilliant, shining light as I allow Jesus to work in me and through me.


But this can only happen if I'm open and vulnerable. This can only happen if I let people see those places, if I drop my barriers, and allow people in. This is so scary to me. I have this nagging fear that if I do this, they are not going to like what they see. I fear that when people see me for who I really am, they will not want to be around me anymore, I will be exposed for what I am: a harlot, a fake, a broken little girl. I will be exposed and I will be let alone. 


But this is not true! Because I am not those things. I am a daughter of the King redeemed by the blood of the Lamb! As I allow myself to be more vulnerable, Jesus will shine more brightly through me. 


So I am purposing to take up my cross and become vulnerable. I will allow people in. I will let them see me for everything that I am so that they can see who He is. It is not going to happen all at once. It will be a process but I am starting that process. I will no longer hide in the shadowed places but I will step into the light and be as vulnerable as possible so that Jesus may be glorified in my life.