Last week I wrote about how shame from our past destroys and holds us back from being effective. When I think of shame, that tends to be the type of think of but this past week God revealed to me another form of shame I struggle with.
It really started last Saturday. I was hanging out with a friend telling him about how I struggle with telling people about things I am currently going through. I can tell you about absolutely everything that has happened in my past but when it comes to stuff I am currently dealing with and processing, forget it. As I was telling him this he said, "Yeah, I kinda got that. Like how you won't talk about the medical stuff you're dealing with right now."
It was such a simple observational statement but I couldn't get it out of my head. I began wondering why that is. Why do I not want to talk about the medical things I'm dealing with? It's not because I don't want people to know. I have no problems with people knowing about that stuff. So then why?
And the answer is this: If I were talk about it, I would be forced to face my emotions and I don't want to. My emotions scare me. The intensity of them is intimidating and I fear that if I were to experience those emotions to their fullest, I would become overwhelmed by them and there would be no one to pull me out.
Last night after bible study I shared with this friend the conclusions I had come to about all of this. Bible study had been great and at the end we prayed for everyone. I was planning on getting out of being prayed for but they would not let me. They prayed and I found myself a crying wreck which I knew would happen and it made me intensely uncomfortable.
As Clark and I were talking afterwards and I was sharing with him the reason why I don't want to talk about my medical crap he said something that really surprised me. He said, "Melissa, you are one of the most loved people I have ever met. You have people vying for your attention and affections. There are so many people in your life right now who would walk through anything with you and I am one of those people." He went on to say that part of my problem is that I am so used to being the one that ministers to other people and helps others with their problems and I am not comfortable being the one being ministered to.
It was a good, honest verbal slap in the face for me. It caused me to step outside of my own head and perceptions and see the reality of the truth. It also caused me to realize something quite profound.
I am ashamed of my weakness.
I am constantly trying to be the strong one. The one others can depend on. The one who will keep a cool head in stressful situations. I don't want to be weak. I don't like acknowledging my weakness with myself, let alone around others.
I know this is not how Christ designed me operate and function. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefor I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
To acknowledge and boast in my weakness is to see the power of God made perfect in my life and the lives of those around me. I no longer want to be ashamed of my weakness.
I do not need to be strong because HE is strong on my behalf. He is fighting for me and I must lay down my pride and allow the only One who knows my heart to fight for me. Jesus is more than able.
I will become unashamed in my weakness that I might see the power of God rest upon me.
Will you join me?
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