Wounds that Heal Part 2

I sank to the floor and I said, "I trust You. I'm scared but I trust you." Thankfully, God is amazingly good and He only shows us what we need to know. He did not, like I feared, show me that abuse. Instead, I heard a voice. I heard it as clearly as though I was remember a conversation from yesterday. It was the voice of an unfamiliar man, but I knew who it was. He said to me, "Your mommy and daddy gave me permission to do this to you. They brought here and told me I could do this because you haven't been a good girl." I heard those sentences I completely lost it. I was sitting on the floor sobbing for almost an hour. Huge, heaving wailing sobs with snot running down my face and my shirt becoming drenched in tears. 

During that hour at least three different people came and prayed over me but I don't really remember that much. I simply remember what was going through my head. All of these memories began to appear, memories that hadn't really made sense before, or at least the emotion attached to them hadn't. And as they flashed across my mind, things began falling in place. I understood why I hadn't told my parents about what happened. I understood why I jumped to the conclusion that my rose wasn't good enough for my daddy and therefor, I was not good enough. I understood why I felt so much anger and shame. 

And I understood why I had a locked room inside of my heart. It was that locked up place that God was trying to get to. When I was abused as a three year old and told that it was because I wasn't a good girl and my parents gave this man the permission to abuse me, I locked a part of myself in this little room and I said to myself, "It's okay, we'll be safe here. They can't find us or hurt us here. We will be okay if we stay locked inside this little room." And I did.  I stayed in there for so long in fact, that I completely forgot that I was locked in a little room. For 23 years I stayed in there and it became my whole world. I forgot that there was this other place outside of my little room. I decorated my room, and I told myself wonderful make believe stories and I convinced myself that I was happy inside of there. I convinced myself that I needed nothing else. I convinced myself that there was nothing else. 

But now that room has been unlocked and I have stepped out into the light. I'm still blinking into the brilliant bright sun waiting for my eyes to adjust after having spent most of my life in the darkness, but I am here. I am standing in the light of the Son. I may not be able to see yet, but I can feel the warmth. And I am soaking it in. I am basking in the light and warmth and I am so excited for my eyes to adjust. I am excited to look around and see color and shadow and depth. I am excited to see something other than the dim walls of my tiny box. 

Yeah, getting to this point hurt. It still hurts. My "eyes" hurt right now but I know it's temporary. I know that the pain will subside with time as I begin to replace the lies with the truth. There was so much pain, but it was worth it to get to this point. And it will be worth it a year from now when I am able to share my story with someone and see them begin the journey of walking into the light of truth. There are wounds that heal. Not in the sense that the wound heals itself, but it heals other wounds. There's a verse in Proverbs that says, "Faithful are the wounds of a friend." I didn't understand that until Friday. I still don't fully understand it. But it's beginning to make more sense. I am healing. There is still pain to come, but it is a pain that brings healing. 

Song of Solomon 2:10-15

¹⁰My beloved speaks and says to me: "Arise, my love, my beautiful one,
   and come away,
¹¹for behold, the winter is past;
    the rain is over and gone.
¹² The flowers appear on the earth,
   the time of singing has come,
and the voice of the turtledove
   is heard in our land.
¹³ The fig tree ripens its figs,
   and the vines are in blossom;
   they give forth fragrance.
 Arise, my love, my beautiful one,
   and come away.
¹⁴O my dove, in the clefts of the rock,
   in the crannies of the cliff,
let me see your face,
   let me hear your voice,
for your voice is sweet,
   and your face is lovely.
¹⁵Catch the foxes for us,
   the little foxes
that spoil the vineyards,
    for our vineyards are in blossom."