Sunday, November 11, 2012

Because I Have Forgotten How to Speak

It seems that I have forgotten how to really share my heart with people. There has been so much going on in my life and my heart and mind lately, things that I DESPERATELY want to talk to someone about, but for some reason, I can't. Not can't because it's not appropriate to share but can't because I have no idea how. So, once again, I turn to writing it out because my voice is failing me.

I am so horrible at this vulnerability and intimacy thing. I know many of the reasons why this is a struggle for me and this post is not going to be about what I need to share but why I am struggling so much to do so.

 Most of my life, I have taken on the role of the counselor in people's lives. People come to me with their struggles. They trust and respect my opinions and advice and I have no problems listening and sharing with them my perspective and my suggestions. It is a role I play well and I genuinely enjoy.  I love feeling as though I have something of value to share with people and seeing my words make a difference in people's lives.

In the past few weeks I have had so many people tell me how much they appreciate me and how much I have affected and transformed their lives through the power of God. I have really needed to hear this as I've been wondering if there is any bigger reason outside of myself that I am where I am. It is quite obvious that there is and it's great. But I think it has made it more difficult for me to share with people. I am not used to being the weak and vulnerable one. Now, I know that being honest about our struggles and emotions is not weakness but it does cause you acknowledge your weaknesses to another person (which is, in itself, strength.... but I still can't get past the weakness part). I am consistently the strong one. The one who always seems to be able to turn people's eyes back to God and see His faithfulness and goodness in the midst of the painful things.  Turning the tables is no easy feat for me.

When I am struggling, I have a very difficult time being honest about that with others because I feel like I will be burdening them with my problems. There are so many people in my life going through some excruciatingly painful and difficult things right now and the thought of adding more stress and worry to their lives is more than enough to keep me silent. If only it ended there!!

Though I am so much more secure in myself and my relationship God than I have ever been at any point in my life, there are still some pretty major prevailing insecurities at play in all of this. The one that seems to get me every time is insecurity in my relationships. I always feel as though I am walking on eggshells in my relationships with others. I am constantly plagued by the worry that one false move, one wrong word, and those I love and care about are no longer going to want to be around me.  Because of this, I am often worried that people don't really care to know about my struggles.

I will try to open up and will either feel like I shared way too much with too much intensity or I will barely share anything at all and shut down.

I am desperately trying to work on these things. I am aware of the problems and am actively seeking out ways in which I can improve in these areas, but I need help.

If you are friends with me, especially if you live in the same city and see me on any sort of regular or frequent basis, here are some ways you can help me out.

1. Don't ask me in a group.
If you ask me how I am doing around other people, don't expect me to be completely honest with you. Even if it is only one person and that one person is someone I am close with. I have a really difficult time sharing with more than one person at a time. I am likely to tell you everything that I would tell that person, but I have to do it one on one. I cannot open fully and be fully honest about my emotions with more than one person at a time. It just doesn't work.

2. Don't ask me in the car while we are on our way somewhere
Seriously, not good! I am apt to be more honest while in a vehicle with you than in a casual encounter in a public space, but I am constantly aware of time limits. Cars are transition vehicles. They are meant to get us from one place to another. They are how we arrive at our destinations and once there, the arrival looms over me. I feel the need to wrap up the conversation no matter what point I am at.

3. Don't accept my first answer
If you ask me how am doing (especially if you know that I am likely struggling with something) and I say that I am fine, do not for one second believe me. It's not that I am trying to be coy or fishing for attention and affirmation, it's simply that that is my conditioned response. Many times I will say I am fine without even thinking about it. So, if I say that I am fine or that I am doing okay, ask me again. Verbalize the fact that you care and you really do want to know what is going on in my heart.

4. Don't let me change the subject!!
I am mastered the art of the changing the subject when I am uncomfortable without even fully realizing what I am doing. I can think of specific instances in the past few months that I have done just that. I can do it in such a way that many people don't even realize that I effectively deflected their question and turned the conversation around completely. And I quite honestly did not do this consciously! I didn't even realize myself what had happened until the the conversation was well underway.

5. Set aside time for me.
I am much more likely to feel safe to open up if it is in a time that has been specifically set aside to hang out. Ask me to hang out and let me know that you would love to talk with me and find out what is going on in my life. I need to hear people tell me that they care. Words are huge for me, so hearing you actually say that you want to know will help me to feel safe enough to share. Talking over a cup of coffee is probably the best way! I'm not even joking. Something about having a warm cup of coffee in my hands genuinely helps me to feel secure and talk.

6. Ask me to go for a drive.
Talking in the car (when that is the purpose of being in the car) is one of the best ways for me to open up. I don't have to make eye contact and I don't have to worry about people walking in on the conversation.

7. Give me space to start sharing
Once you've asked me how am/what's going etc. give me a few moments to answer. It can take me a few minutes to figure out how to start sharing. If I'm silent for a bit, it's not because I don't want to answer you, it's simply because I am looking for the right words. There have been so many times when I was on the verge of opening up to someone but they began speaking again before I could formulate my thoughts into coherent sentences and it made me feel as though they didn't really care and were just trying to be nice. I know that silence is uncomfortable, but I need that. If I don't want to answer, I will straight out tell you that I'm not ready to talk about it.

8. Wait until I am done speaking before you say anything.
I am a verbal processor. As such, I frequently don't really now what I am thinking or feeling until I have talked it out. There have been so many times that I will begin sharing about a frustration or problem I am having and by the time I am done, I have arrived at the conclusion or solution on my own. What I say leading up to that, is not necessarily how I feel. I frequently don't understand how I am feeling until I am done speaking. Once I have finished talking, give it a few moments of silence and then speak. I am more than open to hearing other people's insight and opinions on situations but I am typically not looking for you to fix a problem for me. Say something to the effect of: "Can I share with you what I think about that?" Rather than: "What you should do is...." or "Well, I think the problem really is..."  If I feel like you are telling me what to do or if I feel as though you are telling me that my emotions are wrong, I will shut down.

9. Be prepared for my intensity
I am a very intense person. I feel emotions very intensely and communicate intensely. If you cannot handle that, it is best to just not ask. I know I have put people off due to the intensity of my emotions but that's not something I have much control over. I would much rather you not ask me anything than for you to ask and then be uncomfortable and awkward when I do respond because I WILL pick up and that and it will make me feel awful.

10. Give me a hug
That communicates so much to me. Once I am finished opening up, receiving a hug lets me know that I am still accepted and loved. I know that some of you are not that comfortable with hugging, but if you can put that aside for even just a few seconds, I will be intensely grateful and more likely to feel as though you really care.

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