Week One

Today was the final day of week one lectures! This week has been seriously intense. I knew that one of the big reasons God was leading me to DTS was so that He could really work healing in my life. I expected things to get pretty intense emotionally but definitely did not expect it get so intense so quickly. I was expecting that the first couple weeks would be an easing into time, but no! God hit me hard with a bunch of things that needed dealt with and exposed several things from past where God wants to bring healing. It was difficult. It was painful. But it was so very good.

I still have a lot that I need to process and know that this was only the first step in the healing process. I am excited and nervous all at the same time about this. Walking through the healing process is a scary thing. I know that it's good, but it also sucks quite a bit! It's not easy to dig down deep into emotions that have burried for 19 years. It's even harder to look at the source of those emotions.

The human mind and heart is a very beautiful, yet very scary place to be. It's easy for me to walk around and convince myself that I am fine when, if I am honest with myself, I know that I am far from. The thing that scares the most about this process is not feeling the pain or reliving the experiences that caused the pain, it's discovering who I am underneath all the pain. I was sharing with one of the guys in the School of Biblical studies about some of the things I'm working through and had a very profound realization. I am terrified of finding out who I really am. I have gone so long trying to be what I think other people want and covering up myself that I have no idea who I am underneath it all and I am scared that once I strip all that away, I won't like the person I discover.

I, like everyone else who has ever walked this earth (aside from Jesus, of course) have some gross, dark places inside my heart. Those places scare me. I am so scared to look into those places and see the ugliness that is me in my sin. I don't want to go there. I'm scared that if I do, it will seep out between the cracks and may take over me. I know that this is all just fear and I know that God is bigger than that and I'm his creation and I've surrendered him and blah blah blah. I know all this. But the fear is still there. It's a scary place to be when you're looking deep asking God to open you up and heal you and run across these dark places. It is absolutely terrifying but I won't allow the fear to stop me or control me.

I will look into the dark places of my soul and will allow God to shine His light. I will go where there is darkness and sin and yuckiness and allow Christ's healing power to come into those places and transform me. I will allow God to take me into the dark places of my heart so that I can then go into the dark places in the world and bring light and healing.

He is faithful and will not leave me alone in this. He will be faithful and He will make a way. Of this I am sure.