I staffed the lecture phase of the DTS and what a summer it was! I won't go into much detail because I've already written about it in a previous post. Towards the end of the school I found myself facing another decision. I had been asked to come on staff with the local church I had been attending and help with the coffee shop they were opening downtown and also work as the pastor's assistant. After much prayer and many conversations and prayer times with my YWAM leader, I decided that God was leading me in that direction. And so at the end of the lecture phase I ended my time on staff with YWAM Madison and joined the church staff.
Working with the church was hands down one of the most challenging work experiences I have ever faced. I won't go into too much detail but two months in I found myself asking God why on earth he had called me to work with them. Nothing was going the way I thought it would or how we had discussed when I first agreed to do work for them. I made up my mind to stick it out with the hope things would get better.
At the end of December I was blessed with the incredible opportunity to go down to Kansas City Missouri to attend the International House of Prayer's annual One Thing conference with some good friends, one of whom was my friend Samuel from Kona who had been the first person I had talked to about moving to Madison. Upon our arrival there we met up with some other friends from Kona, one of who had also done the Church Pioneering School with me. It was an incredible weekend of worship and I encountered God in ways that I hadn't since being with YWAM in Kona. Due to my work schedule at the coffee shop I had to fly back a day early. The night before I was in the car with Samuel, another friend from Kona and my friend Beth form Madison. I asked them if they would pray for me before Beth and I got out of the car. I was quite literally dreading going back to Madison.
Madison was proving to be a very difficult place for me. Not only were things not going well for me at work, but I had few friends to speak up and did not feel I had much of a community and a support system there. Being in Kansas City with those people had made me realize that I didn't have a "tribe" in Madison. The "tribe" is the term some people in YWAM use to refer to a group of people who share a similar vision and similar passion. It's that group of people that really understand you and that you can run with and live life with.
I returned to Madison determined to press on and do everything I could to make the best of the situation God had placed me in. I was certain that things could only better. However, that was not the case. Things just kept getting worse. About a month later things came to a breaking point. I knew that I could not continue to work with the church the way things were. The day everything came to head for me, I called my pastor's wife in Great Falls. Not only does she and her husband have years and years of ministry experience and wisdom, but she is also one of the few people that I feel really understands me and my heart. I talked with her for two hours. I explained everything that had been going on and asked for her input. She told me that based on everything I had told her, I was not in a good situation and that I needed to talk to my leadership and tell them that either things change in specific ways or I would be unable to continue working with the. She praying with me and told me that God would honor my decision to not continue on with that church if they were unwilling to make some changes.
The following week I met with the pastor and the coffee shop manager. I laid it all out for them and then we went back to the pastor's house where we had another meeting with the pastor's wife, the administrative pastor and in the intern. I was honest about where I was at and why I felt that I could no longer continue working with/for them. Thankfully they took it well and I walked away from it feeling good about the decision I had made.
I immediately found a job working at a Pita Pit that just so happened to be in the same building as the coffee shop. On February 15, I officially terminated my time with the church and began working at Pita Pit. I parted on good terms and with no hard feelings.
I hated my job at Pita Pit but I was planning on going to Montana for the summer so I stuck it out until I left mid-May, almost exactly one year after moving to Madison.
I returned to Montana and immediately felt like I could breathe again. I was surrounded by people who knew me and understood me. I was surrounded by mountains!
I had every intention of only being here in Montana for two and half months. Enough time to rest and recharge. I had no idea what I would do upon returning to Madison but I wasn't too worried about it. God has always opened doors for me and I knew this would be no different.
About three weeks after arriving in Montana, I began to think about Madison and what I would do when I got back. Every time I would think about it and try to pray for it, I would be overcome with anxiety and would get physically sick to my stomach. This is not something I have ever experienced before. So I began to ask God different questions. Instead of asking what I was supposed to do when I got back to Madison, I began to ask if I was even supposed to go back. The thought of staying in Great Falls had not entered into my mind before that moment. My friends had continually been saying that they weren't going to let me leave but every time I would say that I was going back and staying was not an option.
As I began to pray these things through, God began to reveal some things to me. One of the main reasons why I felt like I HAD to go back was because of my family. My mom, step dad and three youngest siblings were living in Madison and things had not been easy for them. My mom had made very few friends and my two youngest siblings were not adjusting well. I felt that I had a responsibility to be there for them. The biggest thing I kept saying when praying about this was, :"I can't abandon mom and the kids." God showed me that I was taking on responsibility that was not mine to take on. I felt a huge responsibility for their well being. God told me that I was not to move back to Madison because there were things in my life that he wanted to deal with and heal and it couldn't happen while being with my family and taking on the responsibility I had been.
Telling my mom that I was not going back was incredibly difficult. They were coming to MT for two weeks and I planned on telling her then but I needed them to bring my guitar with them and while talking to my mom on the phone about my guitar I realized that in order to express why them bringing my guitar was so important, I had to tell her that I was not coming back. I told her and there were a few moments of silence on the phone. In those moments I felt like the worst daughter to ever walk the face of the planet. When she did speak, she assured me that though she was sad that I would not be coming back, she understood why I needed to not.
At this point I had still not told my siblings or anyone else in Madison. It wasn't until their last day in Montana that I told the younger kids that I wasn't coming back. That proved to be even more difficult and heart-wrenching than telling my mom. My youngest sister Samantha (11) is the one who had the most difficult time adjusting and she was devastated. One thing you need to understand is that I have never been away form them for more than four and half months. Out of the three of us older siblings, I have been the constant in their lives. Not that my brother's aren't there or don't have a great relationship with them, but I've been the one that has been there the most. While hugging Samantha goodbye she was in tears and kept saying that I couldn't stay here, I needed to go back. I began to tear up and then turned to hug my 17 year old sister goodbye.
Though she had adjusted to life in Madison better than the rest of the family, she is the one that I am the most worried about. Since being there she has decided that she does not believe in God and she her depression has gotten much worse. She looked at me and told me that I wasn't allowed to cry because she didn't want to. I hugged her and while hugging she asked me why I wasn't coming back. I explained the best I could, letting her know that I had realized the amount of responsibility I feel for them and take on is not healthy and I need to be here to work on that. She then said, through tears, "But you're my big sister and I need you. I need you, Melyssa!" In that moment I felt my heart breaking. What are you supposed to say to that? I know, that I need to trust that God has got his hands on her life and He will take care of her, but I felt like I was completely abandoning my family.
God is had been showing me that my time in Great Falls is about learning more about my identity and learning to trust Him with my family. It's also about investing into my church here and the young adult's group.
Things are going to be far from easy. Right now my plan is to stay in Great Falls for a year. During that time I will be heavily involved with the young adult's at my church and I will be working and saving up money with the intentions of going to YWAM MT next fall to do the School of Biblical Studies.
I also found out last week that I have some health issues that I NEED to get taken care of. It's nothing major but it is something that has been affecting my health for years and if I don't get it under control it will only get worse.
I'm excited about my time here. I'm excited about what God is doing and what He is going to do in me. Reading back through some of my previous blog posts (especially my most recent), has confirmed to me that this is where God wants me and he's been preparing me for this season for a few months now.
Though my time in Madison was intensely difficult, there was so much good that came out of all of it. I know more about myself now that I did before I went. I know more about what God is calling me to and what He created me for. I made some wonderful friendships there and I will miss those people dearly. I don't regret a minute of it, not even the stuff that was really sucky. That was the longest I have stayed in once place since 2008 and I am a much better person for having gone through everything I did there. I know God's character and heart more than before and I am much more secure in myself and in my calling.
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