Rescue is Coming

If there is one thing that growing up in the church taught me, it's how to pretend that everything is okay. I've gotten so good at it that I can even deceive myself into thinking that I'm fine. I honestly don't intentionally lie to people about how I'm doing, it's just second nature to say that everything is fine with a smile on my face. o

Over the past few years I've gotten better about this with the little things but I'm coming to see that is still a problem for me with the big things. I think a part of it is that I get so overwhelmed by whatever it is that I'm going through that I just push it down deep and refuse to think about it. And it works... for a while. But then it comes creeping out around the edges until I break.



When that happens I begin to withdraw from people. I withdraw because I don't want to pretend like I'm okay when I'm not but I also don't have a clue how to talk about it and let people know what I'm going through. I'm great at writing stuff out and expressing myself through written words, but talking face to face is another story altogether. If you want to know how I feel about a certain issue, I have no problem talking about that. If you want about something that happened to me in the past and how that affected me, once again, no problem. But ask me about how I'm feeling about something that's going on in my life right now and I freeze up. I have no words. I will either tell you that it's difficult and I'm doing fine and gloss over it, or I'll get really quiet and stumble over my words. I just can't do it.

I discovered today that that is where I am at right now. There has been a whole lot going on in my life these past couple months, a lot that I really haven't talked with anyone about. The thing that really got me though, is this medical stuff.

A couple weeks ago I began experiencing EXTREME abdominal pain. At the end of the second day, after having been in constant pain, I realized that something was really wrong and I needed to go the doctor. The next day I went to the walk-in clinic. They did some blood work, took some x-rays and found nothing. The next step was to get an ultrasound so a week after my initial I went to the hospital to get that done. The next day I got a call from the clinic. They knew what was wrong with me.

They told me that I have what is called polycystic ovaries and I needed to go see another doctor. Immediately after getting off phone I got online to figure out what that was. I was hoping that maybe I could find some sort of natural way to help. I discovered that really there is nothing I can do about it on my own. I have to go see another doctor, have them refer to me a specialist and then get put on medication that I will have to take for the rest of my life. It's not a HUGE issue, but it is something that will cause problems for the rest of my life, will require me to be on medication for the rest of my life, and will make it very difficult, if not impossible to ever have kids.

I honestly thought I was fine. I was stressed out, but I didn't think it was that bad. Tuesday I got coffee with a friend and we were sitting outside and she asked me how I was. I said I was doing great. She then told me that she and my brothers are worried about and don't think I am well because I've been really negative lately and not myself. I began think about it and realized that I wasn't really okay and I was stressed about more than I thought, but I was still so disengaged from my emotions. Tonight it all came boiling out. I found myself feeling really anxious and just wanting to cry but I couldn't figure out why.

I spent some time with God in worship and was feeling better. But then it came back within ten minutes. I tried hanging out with my friends whose house I'm staying at right now but I just couldn't so I went back into the room. I sat down to pray and had barely gotten two words out of my mouth when I realized what was going on.

I'm more than just stressed about this. I'm scared. I don't have insurance and I don't have the money to pay for the doctor's visits and medication. I don't know what I'm going to do and I'm tired of being in pain all the time. I don't want to have to deal with this for the rest of my life. I don't know if I ever want kids of my own, but I at least want to have that possibility. I'm in this state of complete desperation and I don't know what to do. I don't really have anyone here in Great Falls who I feel like I can really talk to and be vulnerable with about how I'm feeling. I don't have anyone who I can try to and express how angry I am with all of this.

Desperation, however, can be a good thing. That's when God seems to be the most free to show and work in our lives. I guess right now I'm in the perfect place to see a miracle. I don't have any other options right now. So, as I work on being more honest and vulnerable with myself and those around me, I also wait in expectation. I expect God to show up. I expect him to show for more than just my physical needs right now but also my emotional needs. Rescue is coming.