As Vulnerable as Possible

These past weeks have been quite interesting for me. In addition to everything God has been speaking to me through our speakers in class, He's also been speaking a lot to me that doesn't really have much to do with I'm learning in class.

It all started with Peter Xu. In my last post I wrote about the shadow of the cross. In there, I said that I wasn't sure yet what my cross looked like. In the weeks since I wrote that, I've been learning a lot more about what that looks like for me right now.

When I was doing some research on the process and history of crucifixion for my previous post (yes, I did research on it, I wasn't just making stuff up off the top of my head!) I came across something that didn't really stand out to me at the time, but came to my mind the next day. And the day after that. And the day after that.

The Shadow of the Cross in on My Heart

 “Take up your cross daily and follow me.” Eight words spoken over 2,000 years ago that still ring in the hearts and ears of many. What do they mean? 2,000 years ago the people who heard these words would have immediately understood their meaning because they had intimate knowledge of what the cross was. Today it is not so. Today we have a very limited framework for the understanding of the meaning of the cross. We know that Jesus died on a cross. We know that upon it was bought our freedom, but when it comes to an actual understanding of the physical cross itself, our frame of reference comes mainly from art work and jewelry. How do we get back to the original meaning and apply this to our lives?

Further and up and further in

Lately I've been wondering if anyone actually reads this blog and if it's even worth it for me to continue to update it and pour my heart and my thoughts out here. I have decided that my "readership" is not the point. I didn't start this blog to garner fans. I started it to have a place to write and to try and keep people updated on what's going on with my life. I will continue to keep this blog updated regardless of whether or not anyone reads it. That being said, here we go :)

I've been in Kona Hawaii for 3 weeks now. It's so strange that three weeks has gone by already! I am here doing a their Church Pioneering School. The intent of this school is equip and train us to be able to go back to wherever it is that God is calling us and start up new churches. When we say new churches, though, we're not talking about new services and new buildings. We're talking about new gatherings of believers living life together.

Why You Should Support Me (or any other missionary/missionary-in-training)

These past few days I've been thinking about what I'm doing and how much it takes to make this possible for me. I was also thinking about missions in general, the great financial cost involved, and the tremendous lack of support. As I was thinking about these things, I began to think that maybe the biggest reason why people like myself (when I say that I am meaning anyone who is involved in missions in such a capacity that they CANNOT work a paid job to provide for their EVERYDAY needs and expenses) lack financial support is simply because there is a lack of information.

I am not writing this note to ask you for money. I am simply writing this to inform you of what I am doing, what the GLOBAL need is (not financially, but spiritually) and how you can make a difference.

The Building Blocks

Everyone wants to believe that we are exactly who we have made ourselves to be and that we have complete control over who we are now and who we are becoming. To an extent this is true but I have found that is so much that goes into the making of us. Words spoken rashly can become building blocks of our person. Events that seemed so small at the time, sometimes even forgotten for years, become cornerstones.

Planning a Story

This is an entry from my personal journal which I wrote on the airplane Monday morning.

I am currently on the plane from SLC to Houston TX. The fast ended after only seven days and now I am on my way to the East Coast with mom and the little kids.

I've been thinking about writing a lot lately. Not just this sort of quasi writing I do in my journal but real writing. Writing with a purpose and an audience. Writing that tells a story.

New Direction

I realize that is has been quite a long time since my last post and any of you reading this blog probably have all sorts of questions regarding the past 8 months of my life. I will probably not answer of them in this blog and for that I am sorry. If you would like to know more about how the rest of my time went with YWAM, feel free to email me and I will gladly answer any questions you may have and give you more details on how my time was.

God is so amazing! The past three months since I have been home have been both wonderful and exceedingly difficult. I thought I was prepared for what would face me upon returning home. The feelings of loneliness after having spent the past six months surrounded by like-minded people almost literally 24/7, not knowing where I fit in here anymore, feeling misunderstood. But my was I wrong. Yes, I did face all of those, but it was much more difficult than I had anticipated. The first two and half months home were awful. I felt so out of place and so unwanted. That has all changed in the last three weeks.

When I was in Turkey on outreach I had a few very deep discussions with my outreach leader about things I was facing. One day we were sitting in Starbucks in Antalya, Turkey and I was sharing with him about how I was feeling so distant from God and wasn't hearing his voice. That led to a conversation about where we find our satisfaction. I told him that I knew on an intellectual level that God was enough for me and I could find my entire satisfaction in him but I couldn't honestly say that was true for me. I said to him, "I WANT God to be my everything, but He's just not and I don't know how to change that. I don't have a clue how I am supposed to go about making Him my everything."

I thought of that conversation from time to time after that but didn't really give it much more consideration. Until a few weeks ago.

I had had a crazy couple of days where God was talking to me like never before and I had this thought: "I'm not even spending time with God right now! How is this happening when I'm not spending time with Him?" I then heard the voice of God (not audibly, mind you, but it was God, no less) speak and say, "If this is happening to you now when you're not spending time with me, what will happen when you do begin to spend time with me and make me more of a priority?" I was blown away! So, I set out to do just that. I took almost two days to nothing but spend time with God. I turned off my phone, I didn't talk to anyone, I didn't watch tv or listen to music or read any books. For 30 hours, God was my sole focus. During that time I did a lot of reading in the 1 and 2 Kings and Jeremiah. I spent time just talking with God and resting in His presence. At the very end of my time I asked God to speak to me and sat there with pen in hand expectant. And He spoke. I knew He would but I was not prepared for how much He told and what He told me. It was absolutely amazing.

After I was finished with that I was reading a book I bought a while back entitled Starving Jesus. It's a pretty cool book that deals with all sorts of topics. The passage I just happened to be reading was talking about fasting. The guy writing was talking about how God convicted him and told him to fast for 40 days. He said that it was during that 40 day period that he learned how to truly make God his everything. I felt God speaking to me through that. He said, "This is how you do it, Melyssa. Fast for 40 days and you will learn how to make me your everything."

Since then so much has happened that I'm not even going to go into. God has changed my direction and brought some interesting opportunities my way. I was talking with three other wonderful women of God whom I am close friends with and we decided that we would all fast together. And this is where you find me, three days into my fast.

Normally, I would not be sharing something so intimate and private in such a public forum but I really felt that in addition to the private journaling I'm doing during this time I need to also be chronicling this journey here. I will not be posting ever day and I will not be talking about the particulars of how the fast is going but rather I will be sharing with you what I am learning about myself and about God and His heart during this time. I will be sharing scripture verses and observations on those verses as well as things God may speak to me. I invite you to join me on this journey and see if God reveals something to you as well. As much as fasting is a very personal thing, God told me that this is also about everyone around me. I am fasting for myself and my relationship with my Creator but I am also fasting for you.

Let us begin this journey with great anticipation. God will speak and He will reveal Himself. It's all a matter of how. And that is where the fun begins!