Since being in the hospital I have been
experience a wide range of emotions. I dont know how to get this down
in one cohesive story with a redemptive ending. Maybe that is because
I have not yet seen the ending of this. Or maybe it's because I am
still much too wrapped up in the emotions themselves.
I have been trying my best not to think
about what has happened, the emotions involved and the future
implications of all of this. It is overwhelming and terrifying. I
don't know how to process any of this and I am so unsure of how to
reconcile everything that's happened with the things God has spoken
to me over the past year.
I vacillate between fear, anger and
sadness. I feel like I lost something that I will never get back but
I don't know what that is. I'm angry at God for allowing this all to
happen for not intervening and providing for my financial needs. I
can't pay my rent and I have thousands and thousands of dollars in
medical bills piling up.
Where is God in the midst of all of
this? I pray and I receive no response. Not even the glimmer of peace
or an awareness that somehow He is working in the midst of all of
this. I firmly believe the promises I find in scripture. The promise
that He will never leave me or forsake the me. The promise that He
works all things for my good. I KNOW these things are true but I'm
having a difficult time convincing my heart of the truth my mind is
so sure of.
I had all of these plans for this year. I
wanted to do something epic and exciting. I wanted to travel, to do
something wonderful and meaningful during this last year of my 20s. I
wanted adventure and excitement. I wanted to get out of my comfort
zone and do something that scared me. But now I find that I can do
none of the things I had considered. I thought about traveling the
country for a year, discovering how the body of Christ was operating
in other places. I thought about traveling to Kenya to visit my aunt
and uncle who are working there as missionaries and seeing what
church looks like and how the love of Jesus is made manifest there. I
thought about interning for three months in a safe house for girls
rescued from sex trafficking in Greece or Bulgaria.
I can do none of these things. The
medical bills I have accumulated necessitate me staying here and
working so I can make minuscule payments every month hoping that
someday I will have it all paid off. Don't get me wrong, I love my
job and I have enjoyed the time I have spent here in Great Falls this
time around. But this is not what I want for the rest of my life!
This is not even what I want for my immediate future!
I've never worried that much about
money. I have never allowed that to be a major consideration when
making decision about moving and traveling. I can live on very
little. I have done it for my entire adult life. But now it's become
my main concern. Currently I cannot even afford to pay rent for THIS
month, let alone next month.
I've seen God provide miraculously for
people in the past, I've seen Him provide miraculously for me. So,
why is He not doing that now?? I was so certain that somehow He would
take care of it and I would have the money I need to simply pay for
my basic living needs. But so far, He hasn't. What's the deal God?
Where are you in this??
Why do I not even feel some peace in
this? Why don't I hear your calm whispers speaking to my heart
telling me that it's going to be okay? I KNOW that you are a good
father and you give good gifts to your children. I know this because
you said it in scripture and I've seen it before. So where is it now?
Why do I feel alone and abandoned?
Yet, I will trust in you. If the money
comes, I will trust in you. If the money doesn't come and I find
myself without a place to live, I will trust in you. If I feel your
presence as near as my own skin, I will trust in you. If I never hear
your voice again, I will trust in you.
In the words of Job: "Though he slay me, I will hope in him."
Melissa, I think salvation is only found in your last sentence. Apart from that, there is no deliverance, victory, or hope. Hope, even in this death (of sorts), and you will live.
ReplyDeleteOh sweetheart! I have been there! I learned a few things along the way that I will share. Hopefully something will help.
ReplyDeleteWhen God is silent, he still hears. He doesn't wait some random amount of time to redeem, but a set time, for a set place, with set plans, for a set reason. If he is silent and not acting, it is because he is acting somewhere else first. The first must come before the rest can unfold.
While this caught you off guard, God knew it was coming and already had plans.
God really does have backward ways, but they are perfect. He allows us to go through obstacles to build us into people that we could have never imagined ourselves capable of being.
Remember Joseph. If he had not been thrown in the pit, he would not have learned humility. Had he not gone to the prison unjustly, he would not have gained perseverance or faith or grace. Had he not stepped out in faith, he would never have been in a place to then save nations and offer grace to his family. The hard times came, sometimes deserved (he was a prideful brat!) and sometimes undeserved. But they must come so that we can learn the lessons that grow us into the people God needs. He needed a faith-driven, grace-giving, wisdom-seeking man to save his chosen people. He chose a spoiled brat and saw this great man inside of him!
There is a reason for your trials! God does hear you and he is most definitely turning your jail cell into a blessing. I know that it is hard sweetie, but try this one thing. Instead of praying "Why me?" try praying "Guide me". Peace comes from realizing that we don't have to have all of the answers, he does. It comes from realizing that what we receive has less to do with who we are and more to do with who he is growing us to be.
I will pray for you and for direction. The end may not be pretty! When we moved in faith, we lost our house. I expected God to solve everything in a pretty and clean way. Our solution was sloppy, painful, and perfect. We lost our home, but in the end he gave us a new one, along with MANY lessons that made us more mature. We have been touched by many, and our story has touched many others. It wasn't pretty, but it was right!